“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”
I whispered to the wind, and the wind told me to shut up.
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ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
I don’t know why I’m laughing 😂😂
Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle