@freedom2726

I whispered to the wind, and the wind told me to shut up.

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@HunkyBeefy

“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”

@tricycle_champ

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

@Dani_Feld

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

@shkeeber

If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

@N0pantz

Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.

@ibid78

Rookie cop: “But sir, why would man’s laughter be a crime?”
Chief: “ffs kid, it’s one word. Manslaughter.”

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@HenpeckedHal

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle