Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
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Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher