Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

A double negative is a big no-no.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.