I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back