I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
ok hear me out: Luigiana
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat