I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
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My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Facebook memories be like
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
an octopus is just a wet spider
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.