Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up