I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
one week till the election
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”