I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.