Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
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2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Before paying a psychic, test them with a surprise punch
*takes clothes off*
*takes tampon out*
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL