I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Just got to our Airbnb!
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.