Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are