i will avenge u mr van gogh
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.