I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
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Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
This makes total sense…
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Stonehinge
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Don’t touch that.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now