I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Risking my life for fun.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Can’t stop laughing
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician