Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

Broom by every window for quick escape.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up