Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

Fun Things

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.