Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.