i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.