i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Favourite diary entry ever
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on