i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice