I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
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While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it