Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different