Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

him: I love animals, especially dogs

me: *I could really like him*

him: birds too

me: *he’s dead to me*

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Cndnsd Mlk

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

The booster protects against what, now?

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe