[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.