Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”