Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

When your parents check you’re ok.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.