I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
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respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.