Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol