“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.