@That_Damn_Duck

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

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@xLiserx

How long into a conversation is it too late to admit you’ve forgotten his name? We’ve been married 6 years.

@WineMummy

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@AngelaEhh

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

@_NTFG_

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

@Brampersandon_

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

@CrzyCharly

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

@Tmoney68

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

@ericsshadow

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.