“I will cook for you.” I threatened
You Might Also Like
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.