“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
another case of gang violins
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs