“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Real bees work best
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…