I will cook for you
-me, threatening
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
December birthdays be like…
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Incredible customer service.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.