Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Howl 😭

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there