I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
You Might Also Like
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Look at this
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
me logging onto twitter
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.