I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
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Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*