Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
You Might Also Like
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
why am I working on Labor Day