I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
You Might Also Like
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
#oldknees
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.