I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.