I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.