I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
You Might Also Like
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya