I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30