I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
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Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”