Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.