Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

WAP on, WAP off

-Cardi Biyagi

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)