i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?