i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
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I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Brb my Sims are getting married
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Sharon I have some bad news
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize