I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
This a good idea
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.