I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
You Might Also Like
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom