I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
You Might Also Like
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.