I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
You Might Also Like
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.