I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.