I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Love it! 👍😂
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Sorry I made promises on Friday
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor