Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

The government even made aliens boring

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.