I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
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If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
😼🖥️
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.