Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict

¯_(ツ)_/¯

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.