I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
You Might Also Like
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
FINE, I WON’T.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer