I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?