I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I got soap in my shower beer again.