Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

That’s classic.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank