I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
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3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
This pepper has seen some shit
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where