I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
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“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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