I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Dune (2021)
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I am interested in:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 making peace with the terror of being alive
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it鈥檚 cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
At what point do we just ask Britney鈥檚 dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won鈥檛 be coming because of social distancing. They鈥檙e my cats and they live with me so I鈥檓 very confused.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody鈥檚 going to check.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves