Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.